Cross My Heart
by CHAILYN
Summary: Castiel was always destined to be Sam Winchester's angel. New Chapter Now Up! Beginning. Castiel wants Sam to be happy.
1. Guardians

**Cross My Heart**

**Guardians**

**--**

_Note: So, I know that I had said I wouldn't touch Castiel slash…yeah, I lied, this story is going to involve some innocent Castiel slash. As soon as Twisted Ingénue gave me this wonderful idea to play with, I couldn't help myself. It grabbed a hold and is my new favorite thing. I own nothing, not Supernatural, nor the lyrics below from Hawthorne Heights _Saying Sorry_, and dear, I hope I'm giving your idea justice. _

_Summary: Castiel was always destined to be Sam's angel._

_--_

_Saying goodbye, _

_This time, _

_The same old story, _

_Seeing you cry, _

_Makes me feel like _

_Saying sorry_

_--_

Before they were born, every one of my father's creations, he assigned one of us to them. We were the chosen ones, and it was out job to guide every one of his beautiful gifts throughout their time on creation. It was only his best, and most trusted. And he was proud to have that designation.

Every soul on earth is destined their own individual angel. To be a guardian, it is a divine designation and commissions you to watch over that soul forever. You are eternally intertwined, connected.

A stronger bond than blood.

For Castiel his human, his soul, his otherworldly connection was to Samuel Winchester. The connection they share is unbreakable, even though it is. Broken, that is. Or that's how it's supposed to be.

He was also his first, only, and last.

Failure.

He'd failed Samuel in every way that a guardian could. He let evil grasp a tight hold on his soul, and drag him into their deepest depths.

He still couldn't let go though, even though his orders were to forget, to detach, and to accept his new duty. He couldn't let him go.

It was why he volunteered, and why he took the risk. Why he begged his father to let him take on this task; to pull Dean Winchester from perdition and place him back on earth.

To save Sam Winchester.

Because he couldn't let go.


	2. Turn Back Time

**Cross My Heart**

**Turn Back Time**

**--**

_Installment number two. Lyrics below from HH's Come Back Home, which I tweaked ever so slightly._

**--**

_I know I'm too slow to catch you here _

_I know that he's running far, far from me_

**--**

Children are God's greatest gift to the world.

He knew he wasn't supposed to carry a bias, he was supposed to love them all equally, as his father did...but he couldn't. There was a special innocence, and beauty in Samuel that he hadn't ever seen in another. A predestined path of greatness was set before him, and there was nothing that would prevent it.

Some of his brothers did not approve of his infatuation with this child, such as Uriel, but Uriel could not understand. Uriel was never a guardian, but always a warrior. He didn't comprehend the beauty in a child's smile, or the innocence in a baby's cry, the perfection in the twinkle of an infant's eyes. Uriel looked down on the human race, but Castiel knew better.

He was an angel, which was all he knew: goodness, and purity.

It was all he was.

Humans were better than them. They face temptation and evil, the likes of which he knows he can barely comprehend, and so many of them resist it, turning instead to the brilliant light of goodness.

It was extraordinary to help them.

A gift to lead them in the right direction.

He became entangled in his devotion, which was his fault, his mistake. He had been focusing on the details and missed the big picture, he was not there to intervene as he should have and prevent the demon from taking him.

The curse of curses and he didn't stop it.

Azazel stepped in and took over before he could save him, and that would eternally be his fault.

He refused to be convinced otherwise,

_That Samuel Winchester was born a lost cause._

It was impossible.

He failed him in every way a guardian could, and accepted his failure.

But he couldn't detach from the boy who he had bonded himself to, the boy he had failed and delivered to evil.

He couldn't save him either.

He became a warrior in the moment he lost his other half; he ceased to be a guardian, and became a soldier against the apocalypse.

And instead, he made his peace in the in-betweens, in the shadows, hoping for salvation and a chance for the both of them.


	3. Remain As One

**Cross My Heart**

**Remain As One**

**--**

_Lyrics. Hawthorne Heights. _Saying Sorry_. Not mine by a long shot._

--

_Just a few last hours_

_We gotta make this count_

_We're falling forward_

_--_

They were like one.

When Dean Winchester ran out of the flaming house carrying his brother, Castiel whispered the calming words into the elder's ear, relieved as the boy repeated them to his brother and held him tightly, with utmost care.

He should have prevented this.

In one fell swoop he had left his child, the one he had sworn to protect, motherless, and in the grips of an evil even he, an angel of god, couldn't protect him from no matter how badly he prayed and wished to.

No matter what he would sacrifice to.

No one could save Samuel from what was laid upon himself, except perhaps himself.

Castiel prayed with all his heart and soul that it would be so, that he could be one of the ones that loosened the grasp of evil on him and walked away unscathed to be the great human he was destined to be.

But right now, his heart broke with the entire heart break that he could feel Samuel would feel; a loss that he could only barely comprehend right now, but would in time.

A loss that would tear him apart, and leave him feeling like a solitary in the empty world.

He knew he had only a short amount of time before he was recalled to the heavens, before he was given a replacement, a new child to guard which he would decline.

Samuel would be his last.

From the moment he lost the child, he ceased to be a guardian, and became a warrior to stop the uprising; because even if he couldn't save him in the conventional human sense of the word, he would stop him, and with the grace of god, be able to save his soul.


	4. Leap Of Faith

**Cross My Heart**

**Leap of Faith**

**--**

_Lyrics below taken (again) from Hawthorne Heights _Four Become One.

--**--**

_And you will live on_

_And our hearts will beat stronger_

_As we remain as one._

**--**

"You need to let go." Gabriel advised him. "It is not in our way, Castiel, to hold on to that which we have lost."

"It was my fault."

"And that is foolish. We do not make mistakes; the Lord would not allow it. If it happened, it was predestined, in his plan."

"But it shouldn't have happened; he should not have been left to evil."

"To feel compassion for one of our father's children is acceptable my brother, but do not let yourself get lost in it. Do not stray from your path, your destiny. You no longer have a connection to the boy on earth."

The only problem was; he could feel every connection he had to Sam Winchester throughout his body.

Unbreakable.

"You must keep your faith in the Lord's plan, do not forget he understands with clarity, that which we cannot yet fathom. What is senseless to you is of perfect sense to him." Gabriel did his best to comfort the young angel. At just barely two thousand years he was little more than a child, after all. The first time you feel loss, he knew, was difficult. "Just keep to you duty."

_And if I can't let go?_

"You don't have to decline a new guardianship." Gabriel reminded him, "You have nothing to punish yourself for."

On the contrary_, I have everything to punish myself for_.

He destroyed an entire human's life, and who knew how many that were intertwined in that one life.

Truth would eternally be his punishment.


	5. Need You

**Cross My Heart**

**Need You **

**--**

_I should be doing algebra. Instead, I elected to press pause on that and so Sam and Castiel instead._

_I am so desperate to do anything other than try to learn algebra...can you tell?_

_Enjoy._

--

He had to intervene when John Winchester made the mistake of talking to that foolish mechanic about what he knew.

He didn't know of two boys who were more in need of guardianship then the Winchester children. Not only had his mistake stripped Sam of his angel, but Dean too; and for that he was truly sorry.

He made the effort to understand this human, reminding himself he did not know what he was doing. That his actions were without thought, and knowledge of the situation.

To him, what John Winchester spoke of,

_Demons._

_One demon, of many, one who bu_r_nt his wife on the ceiling of their baby's nursery…_and more than he even realized…

was not truth, but insanity.

But even the best of intentions can be harmful. He even feared that one day he'd be reminded of that himself, that by trying to fix an irreparable situation, he would only make it worse.

An intervention was of the utmost importance when the man spoke to his wife of involving an agency who would remove the children from their father. If that happened, he feared that all hope would be lost for Samuel, and he could not allow it.

He advised the psychic through the spirit board she sometimes consulted when it came to John Winchester, but when she ignored that advice, he took the situation upon himself.

He possessed her, only for the needed time—it was imperative he was not discovered.

It took little persuasion, for someone who was going to become a warrior for their side…it was shocking how easy he was to beguile.

Leave immediately, do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars.

"Your sons' safety has been brought into question." He said in her voice, trying to sound as human as possible. "You must leave Lawrence."

There were barely any questions, he accepted it as one would an order from God and left.

Castiel followed him, hoping that the man would quickly learn, this was not a world to share.

The others would not have approved his actions, but he still couldn't find either acceptance or approval in the choice to not intervene, to not stop Azazel.

This was only a surgical strike on his part; the collateral damage was never his choice. He was just giving the child, and his family, a fighting chance.


	6. Missing

**Cross My Heart**

**Missing**

--

_Well, turns out I was recently given the option of updating...or being attacked by a rabid group of Castiel fangirls, and they scare me, they do--especially their leader Twisted Ingénue. So...here is another installment for all my lovely readers and reviewers, I hope you like. This one is going to be a two part update too, just because you are all so awesome. The longer, much, much longer update will probabaly be up tonight._

_--_

He was angry. The more time Castiel spent on earth, the more time he spent among human kind; keeping tabs on the demons, trying his best to watch over Sam, the more embittered he found himself feeling.

So many of these humans got to live such happy, carefree lives. So many of his brethren got to watch over their humans with pride, happiness, _fulfillment _as they watched them live these lives of ease. Why was the same future not afforded to Sam Winchester?

He cried sometimes when he thought of the motherless boy--the parentless boy. He cried for both of them, because if he had been able to stop that demon, none of this ever would have happened.

They would be living the same happy life that so many other humans did.

His biggest concern for Samuel would be that he would have to watch with care as he flew across the monkey bars, following closely so that no serious harm would befall him.

Blessing him so that he wouldn't fall ill with unneeded sicknesses.

Inspiring him to always be a better person. To want to make a difference.

He was supposed to be a blindfold in the dark, protecting him from demons that shouldn't ever exist or be seen to him.

Instead he was supposed to become one. He didn't care what his brothers said, he knew this boy from before he was even ever conceived...he was not a demon.

He was a child.


	7. Time After Time

**Cross My Heart**

**Time after Time**

_--_

"Dean. I'm bored." Sam announced, walking over to Dean, and looking up at his brother who was so engrossed with the back homework he was so behind on and had been given strict orders to finish.

They had quickly moved from Auburn where their dad had been on a job, and now they were staying at Bobby's where the two men were working on a hunt together, and as soon as he had been enrolled in school, a_gain, _he found himself faced with a pile of schoolwork he wasn't ever going to catch up on.

He remembered his dad's words though, "Just get it done, Dean."

"I thought you had a book to read." Dean told him, trying to figure out what purpose he would ever have for math in life.

Sam plopped down unceremoniously in the chair across from his brother. "I finished it."

"Already?"

Sam devoured books like most kids ate junk food; Dean just couldn't figure it out.

Sam nodded his head, "At the end, the puppy found a family."

Dean rolled his eyes, how realistic.

"Well, start a new one."

"I already read them all." Sam told him, "Besides, I don't like being in the bedroom alone, Dean. This whole big house is scary."

Castiel did not know how they could accuse a child like this of being a demon. An innocent boy, who yearned for light, with a kind and playful nature...a child who was afraid of what lay hidden in the dark of being a demon.

"Sam, stop it with that, won't you? There's no such thing as monsters."

As far as Dean was concerned, in Sam's world he'd be dammed if monsters existed. He should have known better than to let Sam go to the class at the library, they ended up reading a Goosebumps book, and he'd been having nightmares ever since.

But that was as far as Dean wanted it to go; they were only going to be nightmares for his brother.

He approved greatly of this boy, perhaps with his brother at his side, Samuel had a chance. That was what he hoped, begged, and prayed for every minute of every day. That some way, somehow, Samuel would beat the odds. And as the years passed, he couldn't help to put some faith in Dean Winchester, that maybe this boy would be able to save his brother...or maybe even prevent it from happening all together.

Sam nodded his head. "Will you please play with me, Dean?" Sam begged, and Dean didn't know what it was, but no one seemed to be able to ignore simple requests like this from Sam, everyone thought he was so innocent, the sweet little Winchester but Dean knew the truth and it was just that he was as persistent as the rest of them. The only difference was he had puppy dog eyes to beat the devil.

Dean glanced down at his math assignment for a moment, if he thought about this logically. His dad told him to keep an eye on Sam and do his homework when they made an errand run. Watching out for Sam would be ranked higher than finishing math. Looking after Sam, meant making sure he didn't run off half cocked and get himself hurt, so by playing with Sam he was doing his job like his dad told him to, besides, he was sure he could convince Sarah Beth to let him copy her math homework in lunch tomorrow.

Two birds, one stone. He had all bases covered, so he was good.

Castiel hoped that this was just a matter of a child's slightly skewed morals, and that such an act wasn't the beginning of dishonest behavior. He made his best attempt to look at it as normal child behavior.

Dean slammed the book shut, more than happy for an excuse to pretend it didn't exist.

"Okay, Sammy, what do you want to do?"

Sam smiled, pleased with how easily he'd convinced Dean to play. Dean could act like such a grown up sometimes and he didn't know why. He was much funner when he decided to be a kid too, except for the times when Sam felt like he was the big brother…like when Dean seemed to think that it was okay to not brush his teeth in the morning, _for a week_…Sam gagged at the thought, glad that Dean had stopped that.

"Hide and go seek." Sam told him.

Dean was confused for a moment because he thought Sam was afraid of the house, but he just shrugged and went with it.

"Do you want to seek, or hide?" Dean asked him, hoping Sam would pick seek because Sam was so little he hid in places that Dean always forgot to look because he didn't think it was possible for a human to fit into them.

"Hide." Sam replied, with a knowing smirk.

Dean thought that his brother was much too clever for a four and year old. He had to stop rubbing off on his brother so much.

"Well, hide then…I'm already up to twenty-five."

"But I didn't know you started."

"Thirty." Dean replied with a grin.

Sam took off at a run.

"Fifty." Dean hollered after him, he was not counting all the way to a hundred…it wasn't like he was going to find his brother any time in the immediate future whether he gave him five seconds, or five hundred.

It was this that he missed most about being a guardian. The mind of a child was a beautiful thing. They were clever, and innocent, most understood what faith really meant. They were the ones who truly understood what it meant to believe. He'd never doubted in a child's bedside prayers, because they don't understand manipulation or fake belief. They prayed because they believes god was listening.

It was why being a guardian had always meant so much to him; it was that he was preserving this for the future. The faith and goodness, which was necessary to keep the world going. How could they call Samuel _the uprising_? _The future of evil_?

Sam headed for the closet then decided against it, his brother was predictable to a fault, and that would probably be the first place he looked, because he'd hidden in the linen closet the last time they'd played at the church. Both Pastor Jim and his dad had been amazed that he'd fit into it (all he did was curl up on one of the shelves, the hardest part was trying to muffle his laugh every time Dean walked by) and then made him swear he wouldn't try that again, because it could be dangerous.

Castiel agreed with John Winchester, something that didn't often occur over the past four years. The man had no faith, and he was confused. He was taking a dangerous path, and Castiel was afraid of where it would lead him, and in turn his children. Seeking vengeance is a dangerous path to tread.

He didn't know everything that was to come, but he knew enough to be scared for Samuel. He knew that many trials he would soon be faced by, and that no human could overcome them all. It was a losing battle, but no war is over as long as there is but one person to fight it.

"Shoot!" Sam mumbled under his breath when everything got quiet, he knew he was talking too long, Dean was going to come running his way any minute.

"Dude!" Dean was at the doorway before Sam could escape to the downstairs. "You do know the objective is to hide?"

They stood no less than a few arms lengths apart, but as far as Sam was concerned this was far from over. Dean hadn't won a game yet, and he didn't intend to start losing now.

"I win." Dean proclaimed with glee, smirking at his brother. It was about time he got one on Sam.

Sam shook his head petulantly, and jumped to the left, under the table, crawling to the end; he knew Dean couldn't crawl under to follow; it was rather close to the ground. The end opened up by the staircase. It was the perfect escape, besides even if Dean did try to follow him, he'd never fit through the opening.

Dean followed him, diving under the table and trying to get a hold of Sam's ankle before he could run away and missed.

Sam slipped out of the small gap in between the bars of the table, and tumbled out of Dean's reach. He jumped to his feet, planning on running downstairs where Dean wouldn't ever find him.

Guardians weren't clairvoyant. They didn't see all before it happened, but they saw the strings unravel before most did. They put together the puzzle pieces. He wasn't a guardian anymore, but he always took care to pay the utmost circumspect attention.

The rubber toe of his new converse sneakers caught on the edge of the rug at the top of the stairs, and he didn't even remember letting out a scream before he tumbled down the stairs

Dean remembered yelling Sam's name, and hearing him scream. He remembered it vividly.

Castiel grabbed Sam and pulled him close, all the while thinking just how small and warm he was. How delicate. They glided down the stairs, and he deposited Sam at the foot of the stairs.

He was worried that after such an accident, he could be scared so he stayed with them until Dean was in sight, racing down the stairs toward his brother.

"Sam, Sammy, are you okay?" Dean grabbed him and looked him over. "What hurts?"

This was the only kind of thing he should have been worrying about protecting him from, from preventing the scars of childhood. But events like these were minor in scale compared to what was coming. However, was it bad that he felt a rare sense of the fulfillment he had been lacking when he grabbed a hold of Samuel and protected him from harm?

"I'm fine." Sam told him, feeling confused and trying to bat Dean away. He hadn't hit a single stair, he knew he didn't. "Dean, stop it, I'm fine!"

Dean was wrong, he thought, there was something in Bobby's house. Something that had carried him down the stairs.

Samuel was intelligent, perceptive. Castiel even found himself playing with the idea of showing himself to the boy, it wasn't unknown for guardians to do that…but if he ever did that, it would be over. He'd always be no more than the shadow in the dark hovering over him.


	8. Serenity

**Cross My Heart **

**Serenity **

**--**

_This one was such a damn challenge, but I had a few hours to waste in the student lounge, and I've been itching to use this quote because it screams Castiel to me. Also, thanks again to everyone who has been reading and reviewing so faithfully. You guys are awesome. _

_--_

_Nothing is easier than self-deceit. For what each man wishes, that he also believes to be true._

_-Desmosthenes _

_--_

He had to remind himself that he didn't always know what his father's plan was. That there were some things that he could not understand.

Soldiers take orders, and if there was nothing else he could be good at, it was orders. He could not trust himself anymore, more importantly, that what he thought was most relevantly insignificant. He was not all knowing.

_If there is a god, what is he waiting for? Genocide? Monsters roaming the earth? The friggin' apocalypse? At what point does he lift a damn finger and help the poor bastards that are stuck down here? _

_The Lord works in mysterious ways._

Mysterious ways.

He remembered a time when he had no trouble believing fully in the Lord's plan. In taking what he was given and blindly accepting it with no thought to the contrary.

But just one moment, twenty-six years short years ago had taken everything he believed in and managed to tear two thousand years of belief to shreds.

He had an answer for the suffering once, for all the injustices of this world he had an answer, once before. But twenty six years had left him with a gaping hole in his faith, and now all he could do was force himself to believe that it was all part of God's greater plan. God knew what he didn't.

But sometimes he wondered…

_Did God know that Sam Winchester had more faith in him than his own angel did?_

_Did he realize that the one that they were putting all their faith in had no faith at all?_

What kind of plan was it to pick off the believers of the world? Or even worse, to watch them be picked off and do nothing. Wasn't it just as bad to stand by and watch something incomprehensible? It was why he often found his job easier, it was so much easier to destroy evil then it was to watch it destroy humankind. He'd been to every corner of the world, keeping track of demons and it taught him more about this world than he'd known before.

But he'd chosen to not think about. All he could do was to accept the orders he was given, and to fill them.

Killing demons was easy, it made him feel like he was atoning for what had happened to Samuel. Extinguishing a human however, he could not help but to doubt. He couldn't forget them. He'd lost count of his demon death toll, theirs did not matter. Twenty-Six years and he'd extinguished fifty-seven humans.

They weren't as easy to forget as he thought they'd be, and yet, he had no doubts that what he thought was wrong.

Their lives were inescapable casualties on the war against the apocalypse. He'd like to believe that, and it was almost easy to make himself believe, he had no one to argue otherwise.

Number fifty-eight, however, was going to be difficult to deceive himself with.


	9. Sacrifice

**Cross My Heart**

**Sacrifice**

**--**

_Ohmygod. Hell. Hell. Hell. This one was the most challenging by far which is why the update took so long, but I hope you like._

…_And before I get a storm of theological corrections, I have a book on the archangels, but I couldn't find it and so I was going on what I remembered as far as some characters are concerned. On a more important note, Thanks so much to everyone who has kept with the story, and kept reviewing…cookies for all of you!_

_Now, I'm going to go and track down some aspirin for the headache that this story has given me._

_--_

_You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough._

_-Frank Crane_

_--_

Uriel could smell doubt, and self-deceit and Castiel felt like he reeked of it from the moment he was given his order.

_His_ order.

And again, Uriel trailed along. He knew he was not trusted by him. He looked at him as being weaker for being a guardian, that he had too much sympathy for their race. It was partially true, he was empathic toward the humans, and he loved them. He could not decline the archangel's offer of assistance any more than he could deny Michael's order to terminate their newest threat.

It was an order that filled him with terror, it felt like one step down from the order he was terrified of being assigned; to kill Sam Winchester.

His brother had been compared to demons with his lack of pity for the humans, and once he did understand that comparison. The Angel of Repentance could not fold, but he felt that Uriel did lack empathy and tact necessary to communicate with humankind. But he knew where his place was—where it was supposed to be more specifically. He was no one to question the one who held the key to Hell.

Uriel may be the sharpest of all the spirits of Heaven, but without empathy, Castiel feared he could never understand humans enough to love them.

Or even to _want_ to save them.

--

"We're here to reclaim the girl." Castiel told them; hoping that Dean would heed his last warning well, but he could see the suspicious doubt in the boy's eyes.

It was well deserved.

"To protect her." Sam interjected, "You're going to take her away from the demons."

Didn't he wish that? He could feel Uriel's steely gaze upon him, and felt like this was little more than a test of his devotion, and faith in the greater plan.

"No." Castiel told him, sorry to hurt Samuel once again. He still remembered a time when Sam had so much faith in his kind, and it hurt to know he was the one who continued to be involved in diminishing such faith.

Uriel's silence was deafening, but he noticed how Dean's eyes did not waver from him. Castiel wondered if the boy knew that of all the angels in heaven, Uriel could throw him into the pit with no resistance at all, and that he would.

More importantly, that he wanted to. Uriel had never wanted them to pull Dean from the Pit. But even he dare not argue with God, or Michael.

"To terminate her." Castiel told them.

Dean looked at him in surprise, he expected a hell of a lot of things to come from an angel but he hadn't seen this coming.

The look that Samuel gave him, however, was heartbreaking. He wanted to tell him that all the pain was for nothing, that it was for the best, that God was just and his plan, right.

But he couldn't.

"You want us to hand over this girl to you so that you can kank her?" Dean questioned.

Castiel nodded his head. "It's necessary."

_Why couldn't they just strip it from her? His kind gave her the gift; he didn't understand why they couldn't take it away as well._

"It's none of your concern." Uriel said, "Hand her over."

Sam looked to Ruby, she was scared, and he could see it. He didn't blame her; he could be blind and still see that Dean was terrified. How do you fight an angel?

They were caught in the cross hairs of both Heaven and Hell, and he didn't see a way out—for any of them.

--

Castiel could see their minds silently working out a battle plan, and he prayed that they wouldn't. This was one thing that neither of them could fight.

If they fought they would lose. He had fought too long and hard to try and save Sam to allow one soul to intervene and ruin it.

"You're out of your mind." Dean told him, the words coming slowly, shocked into response. "We're not going to let you kill her just because she's broadcasting angel radio."

"And who will stop us?" Uriel asked him, "You Dean Winchester? Your brother? Your demon courtesan?" He laughed, "You cannot win this battle."

"You misogynistic dicks." Ruby spat at them, "You're fools."

Angels move swiftly. Archangels don't have to. They are where they want to be when they want to be. Uriel had her by the throat.

"Stop it!" Sam objected, looking to Dean for support. "You kill her and you won't find Anna. None of us will."

Castiel hadn't expected it to get so out of hand, so fast. The demon girl should be killed; it would solve one of his problems, but now was not the time.

Uriel loosened his grip on the demon and let her fall to the floor. "Return her to us, demon."

He could feel Sam's fear for her, and his intent to intervene, so he did before Samuel was deposited into the pit.

"You cannot save her." Castiel informed them, wishing it wasn't true.

"Her life is forfeit." Uriel turned to Dean. "You are in no position to battle with us, you insignificant mud monkey! It is only by the grace of God that you are walking the earth. You can't save her any more than you can save the rest of this pathetic race."

"We can make an effort." Dean told him, "Try it sometime, instead of sitting on your ass."

They had many skills as hunters that Castiel admired, that made him think they could save Adam's sons and the daughters of Eve. Diplomacy was not one of them.

Sam stepped in front of his brother, and the angels.

Castiel wondered if he understood what he could be doing to himself, and his question was answered for him.

He had faith that what he was doing was right.

--

The left hand of god brought down the new order that was laid upon them, for them to depart from the earthly plane.

Reclamation of the girl was no longer a priority.

With Gabriel's message they departed immediately, recalled to the heavens, and even though disaster had struck his thoughts were still centered on Sam.

He couldn't let him go.

--

_Note: Okay, sue me. I couldn't kill Anna. It seemed too easy, and I can't help myself, even though she is with Dean…I like her. I liked Katie Cassidy and Lauren Cohan a hell of a lot better, but in spite of it all…I really do like Anna. But I don't want this to turn into something that is Ruby and Sam, Anna and Dean, first and foremost this story is about Castiel and Sam. So, in regard to that, The Anna thing ends here…and hopefully I left the ending ambiguous enough that if you think Anna should take Bela's place in hell….well, she can. Right, I'm done. And tired. I refuse to look at this update anymore, but I hope you all enjoyed it._


	10. Shangri La

**Cross My Heart**

**Shangri-La**

_**-**__ -_

_Okay, so this chapter was inspired by a friend's request to have Castiel stepping in because John was abusing Sam, but I have to clear something up really quick. I don't look at John and see him as a bad father, as a matter of fact; I think he was a really good father to Sam and Dean, just very protective of them, so I tweaked this a bit to my liking because I can't even __**imagine**__ John as the type to beat his children._

_**--**_

_Childhood is a promise that is never kept. _

_-Ken Hill_

_--_

A childhood is a precious thing to waste.

Castiel was angry more and more often as he watched over Samuel, and his anger wasn't limited to the treatment Sam received, but Dean also. At one point, he resented the older boy, wondering why it hadn't been him. Why Samuel, and not him? But the more time he spent watching, the more his resentment waned and he wished he could fix it all.

An absentee father…He didn't know sometimes how God could have graced John Winchester with two beautiful children that he didn't even know how to appreciate.

Birthdays forgotten.

Holidays ignored.

A child raising a child.

It was a loss of two childhoods. Dean's was nonexistent, but Castiel understood the obedience, the sheer faith in doing what his father ordered. He was tainted though, the loss of innocence was heart wrenching. A mere child who knew that monsters were out to get him, and didn't even have the luxury of fear.

As Samuel woke up crying with a nightmare, and Dean comforted him, Castiel observed them. A makeshift family and he decided then and there to protect both boys.

You can't be afraid of the thing in the closet when it's your job to make it go away.

He watched the boy determined to prove the nonexistence of the creature in the closet, even though he was scared of what lay in the dark.

Dean pulled open the door, and Castiel stood beside him, and promised…he'd stand beside them both.

"See," Dean told Sammy, taking a deep breath and pretending that it was silly. "There's nothing there, Sammy."

Sam frowned, unsure.

He was a unique, intelligent, persistent child. Beautiful. He was reminiscent of the cherubim, and it was a sad irony. The soul of a demon and the façade of an angel. It was that, they said, that made him lethal.

The idea of this child as a weapon was laughable.

He liked to watch over Sam while he slept, and protect his dreams. Because even if he couldn't give him a perfect reality, he could give him a beautiful dreamscape.

--


	11. Blindfolded

**Cross My Heart**

**Blindfolded**

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_Okay, so turns out I'm going to be going off on an unexpected trip upstate for thanksgiving weekend. Depending on what sort of hell it is I'm in for, I might be hiding in my bedroom updating like crazy, but knowing my aunt, I won't be getting off that easy and so I'll try to get out at least one more update before I'm off._

**--**

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"_I know how their minds work." Anna said looking from Dean to Sam. "They gave him a choice. Me...or you."_

Uriel doubted him more than he ever imagined was possible, but that was his fault. He had been grossly inconsistent ever since he'd pulled Dean from hell. He'd been obsessed with the Winchesters, and he hadn't been subtle in his efforts.

He had dug his very own proverbial grave.

Anna had become more than a difficulty; she was putting everything at risk. Her very existence was putting his faith in the plan to question, and he couldn't allow that. She was his responsibility to terminate.

Michael asked for his input on how to best persuade the Winchesters to join in their cause, how to convince them to pass the girl on to them, and he knew it was his moment to prove that he still had faith in their plan.

That he was willing to do anything to stop the apocalypse from being unleashed on earth.

He could not sacrifice Sam's soul for this one girl.

He may have been the one angel in the Heaven's to truly recognize Dean's weakness. It was a truly horrible choice to leave him with…to make him choose between his brother and his duty again.

But it was the only way out, and not just for him. It was the only way for all of them to escape this.

So he turned his back, and closed his eyes, and gave the order. He told Uriel to leave Dean Winchester with the choice, and they in return would get what they wanted.

It was what he imagined selling his soul would feel like. But as he'd learned, some sacrifices are worth the price that you must pay. This was one of them.

As he'd predicted, Dean didn't even consider otherwise, and he hadn't expected him to. He'd return to the chopping block in his own little corner of hell before he subjected his brother to it. It was a fate worse than death, especially for Sam Winchester. The thought of what awaited Sam in hell terrified Castiel. It was _that_ he was determined to save Samuel from.

He was prepared to sacrifice everything, and anything to prevent the future they all proclaimed awaited Samuel.

Because his choice, it would always be for him.

He would always choose Sam.


	12. Band Aid

**Cross My Heart**

**Band-Aid**

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_This one is a bit of a coda to In My Time of Dying, that I wanted to post before I was off on my drive upstate for the thanksgiving weekend, and I hope you all enjoy._

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He didn't understand how this had happened. His dad had been fine.

He had been completely _fine_.

They'd only been fighting about something so stupid; he didn't even know what it was minutes before. No, not _they, _he'd been standing there picking a fight and he wouldn't even let him. He didn't even know why it was they were always fighting…

…_butting heads…_

He almost laughed as he thought back to his dad's words but it still hurt too much. It hurt so much that his dad was gone and he didn't have anyone anymore.

Dean was…Dean was pretending that it didn't hurt. That it didn't hurt, and that he didn't feel like there was this gaping hole in his chest. He couldn't do that.

He was filled with so much guilt, and he missed his dad; he missed him so much. All he could do was think about all the time he'd wasted being angry with him. All that time he could have had with him and missed out on.

Castiel could feel Sam's heartbreak, he could feel his heart split and the guilt and pain rush out, and he felt like it was splitting him into pieces. He wasn't a guardian anymore, and he shouldn't have been able to feel the pain so heavily anymore…but he did. He felt it all, and all he wanted to do was make it better.

Make it so that he didn't feel so alone, because really, he wouldn't ever let that happen. As long as he was around, he would make sure that Sam wasn't ever really alone. He would always be there for him.

But that wasn't really enough, was it?

He couldn't be the one that was there for Sam, and he wasn't even supposed to be.

It didn't stop him from wanting it though.


	13. Breakdown

**Cross My Heart**

**Breakdown**

--

_so sorry for the long wait guys, but end of the semester is rolling around and then i was sick...but i promised myself i'd try for at least a little something before i get completely consumed...so i hope you all like!_

--

It was all for the best and he was sure all would soon realize that.

As Sam stuffed the giant envelope into the mailbox, Castiel came to the conclusion that even though this would be difficult for the family it was what would be best for Sam.

John Winchester, was for all intents and purposes, a good man, and a good father but he was still ignorant in the matters of their world. He didn't even realize that at any given moment his family was surrounded by angels and demons he didn't even see.

Azazel checked up on his pride and joy periodically, and Castiel coud read his mind. He didn't need another altercation with the demon to see the pleasure that slipped across the face he wore...how happy he was to see that John was practically doing his grunt work for him.

He wanted a warrior, and that was exactly what John was creating.

Soldiers.

Warriors.

He even heard Azazel say that it was a shame he hadn't chosen the elder boy too. In time, perhaps.

That was when Castiel realized. Samuel could not stay with his family. It was imperative that he left, that he becomes the anti-thesis of that he was being trained to become.

So he pushed, and he nudged, and he intervened and Sam never saw, but he arranged everything to the way it had to end.

Hr even set the seeds of discord in the brothers that would birth the fight and guarantee that Sam would not ever return, and that Dean would never seek him out.

It had turned out so much harder than he imagined it would, but it was worth it.

They hurt each other in every imaginable way that they could, and basically torn each other to shreds...which was his fault entirely--but it was necessary.

He was hurting them to save them.

Somehow, he didn't think that would make Dean forgive him anymore he he ever was to know.

He was tearing Sam down so that he could be rebuilt.


	14. Beginning

_Note: So, Yeah...I apologize in advance because I've been sitting on this update for a long time *ducks the tomatoes*. Thank you to my beta, **Hollyclaw**_

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* * *

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**Cross My Heart**

**Beginning**

_Even now when I'm alone  
I've always known with you  
I am home_

_-Home; Vanessa Carlton _

He'd known that this would be difficult for Sam, but he'd never expected it to be so hard. Every time when he thought he began to understand humans-and in turn, Sam-he found himself being cast backwards.

The worst part was that he no longer had any one he could go to for help; he would have to figure this problem out on his own.

"Please God," Sam sat in the farthest pew in the campus chapel and prayed. It had been months since he'd heard from his brother or father. "Please let them be okay."

Sam wasn't assimilating with the others as well as Castiel liked for him to. He knew that there would have to be a stage of grieving-if not for his father, for his brother…but this was going on for too long. He needed to move on and find his place or this buckling grief would destroy him.

Isolation could be the death of him. Sam needed love.

And Castiel refused to let Sam be undone in such a way.

--

"Sam, right?" She smiled brightly, cocking her head to the side to get a better look at him over his book.

Castiel knew from the start that she was perfect for him. Jessica Moore was a good girl, she had faith and believed in the very best of people. Jessica would give Sam the love he craved.

She extended her hand as he set the book down, his eyes flashing with nervousness.

"I'm Jessica Moore, we take Latin together….I don't know if you've noticed me…"

Jessica sounded wistful, and Sam had noticed her. They'd be very happy together.

"I-I have." Sam suddenly blushed. "Jessica. Um-" He looked at her confused. Why was she even talking to him?

Jessica slipped into the seat across from him. "This is so embarrassing…I hope you don't think I'm stalking you or anything but…" Now Jessica flushed pink. "Everyone says you're the very best in our class and…and I'm failing. I'm just hopeless at Latin." Jessica looked away from him, pushing a stray curl out of her eyes.

"I'm not the best." Sam blushed again; he was _so _bad with girls. Sometimes he wished-no almost always-he wished he was more like Dean. "I'm just…my dad was fluent."

Castiel felt something akin to relief; Sam didn't want to lie to this girl. He only hoped that in time Sam would be comfortable enough to drop his burden and tell her the truth.

"Lucky." Jess looked up at him with a smile. "So, I know you're probably crazy busy…but…"

Sam cut her off. "I'm not." It was a lie, but at this very moment he'd do anything for more time with this girl. "Really, I'd love to tutor you, Jessica."

"Jess." she jumped up out of her seat swiftly. "My friends call me Jess."

Relief, Castiel thought. She would save him, and now he could heal. Azazel wouldn't win. It was one small battle in a large war that he would not win. A small victory, and yet it meant more to him than…than he'd ever imagined it would.

"Would you like to get a cup of coffee with me Sam?"

Sam said a small prayer of thanks, closing his book. "I'd love to."

He shoved the book in the bag.

Castiel took a moment to meander through their future. They'd be very happy. Jessica would love him unconditionally, and Sam would come to trust her with his deepest and most painful secrets.

He'd name his first son Dean.

"You're in my Research Methods class, too." Jessica's smile didn't leave her face as she spoke. "Maybe we can work on the midterm presentation together, if you'd like. We could be great partners I think-You're not working with anyone already, are you?"

Mike could do a project on his own for once in his college career, Sam thought.

"No, no one." Sam pushed the door open for her. "I'd love to work with you, Jess."

It was a beginning, Castiel thought. He deserved a real beginning at something.


End file.
